no matter where you choose to be,

in my heart, i'll always see you everywhere.

---

i don't want to write about you. i don't want to write about the text messages and the increased heart rate. i don't want to write about going twenty over in a construction zone to get to you faster. i don't want to talk about the way you smelled, that i could actually taste the cigarettes on your breath when you kissed me when i walked in, that you were wearing your green v-neck, from the day we first hooked up. you had a new hoodie, well, i'd never seen in before.

your room looked empty when i walked in, the collection of liquor bottles you had amassed apparently having been thrown away before you moved. but i remember the ducks in the dining room, and the shade of dark green of the carpet in the living room. i remember checking for remnants of me. there were none.

i remember you trying to have sex with me. i remember you trying to sleep with me so bad, and i was so disinterested but i said sure anyways. because it was you. because i walked into getting played.

because i believed in more than the average, lying piece-of-shit human. but you weren't anything more.

and you never fucking will be. at least i have my books back.



(and in all honesty, that was lazy and angry and spiteful, and i still love you, the way your voice cracks and the words you use a lot. the music you chose to sleep to, and the way you kissed me when you woke up. that you let me have the pillows, and let me warm my feet on you. that you gave me happiness for 12 hours, even if it meant hating you.
and i'll still choose to believe you only do it because it's easier for you.)


i guess this is all i want to write, because i feel like reading fanfic.
goodnight blog.

happy birthday johnnybear. i'll talk about this tomorrow, in the other blog.

baby, you're my disease...

i fucking expected better of you. should've known you're a fuckface.

i'm glad i got my books back though.

--

well, it's julie's 21st birthday party. goodnight.