the sun also rises.

and in the morning, you don't recognize me.


--
i got in a car accident today. i t-boned an old lady and her old husband. i keep telling people i don't want to talk about it, but that's half true. i only want to talk about it if people can give me a fucking second and stop interrupting me so i can finish my story.

tonight we sat around a dining room table and picked out paint colors. janet, mom, and i. i picked out colors for my room, janet picked out colors for the whole house.

when i think about all the boxes i've moved and packed and unpacked since i was five, i feel kindof empty. here, i feel overwhelmed like i can't handle what's going on, between school and work and car accidents and tickets.
shit happens. and in a year i won't remember all of this stress. hell, in 6 months, i'll be done with it.

i keep getting so bent out of shape.
and i wanted to write something good because i was listening to the album leaf which put me in a writing mood, but i guess... not.

someone come and save my life.

when i first started dating james, i was an arrogant eighteen-year-old. i stayed out too late, trying to absorb his freedom. my mother never liked that. no phone calls. no text messages. no addresses.

just some mystery boy that was four years and seven days older than me. at that time, she hadn't even met him yet.

but i was already staying out past four am, coming in late to work.

i remember the tan rocks, the new park, the free museums. the summer and the sitting on the bridge. the late night at the twentyfour hour sandwich place that sold cardboard pizza. i remember the neon lights.

one time shortly after we started dating, his mother wanted ice cream. she gave us some money, and we went to dairy queen. i remember asking for a chocolate cone dipped in chocolate. the girl looked at me like i was nuts. "we don't have chocolate ice cream."

are you fucking kidding me? - if that's not what i said, it should have been.

we went to some local ice cream shop for mine. they had hard-pack, which always costs more. he didn't care.
i remember the shop being some sort of lurid pink. there were mirrors on the wall. and according to the signs, this was their last year.
how could you succumb to some ice cream franchising giant that doesnt even have CHOCOLATE?
sorry.


i always liked to feed the ducks. in the summer, we would walk to the gas station. if we only had four dollars, it was okay. we would just buy bread and we would feed the ducks. all of it.

he could always get the ducks to eat out of his hand. they never came near me. i'm still jealous.

there were so many things we talked about that summer. so many endless bike rides.


i'm scared because i think it's time to let go. i think if i don't let go now, i never will.
i just already miss the phone calls and the texts and the understanding when i break down in the middle of a store because i fell in love with a teddy bear. i can't be this crazy with anyone else.

i just wish i was normal.

this took a totally different direction..

--

in other news, dear blog, i watched three episodes of criminal minds today. one: i'm in love with spencer reid. and derrick morgan.

two: they all made me cry.

i'm an unstable bag of bat shit fuck crazy. specifically today. but gooodgoddamn i am miserable.