i think.

i think it's time that i write about you.

i don't think you read this anymore, so i don't really care.

and if you do, i think it's time you understand.

--

i don't remember how the weather was, or the dates, or anything about the drives we had together. i remember my heart skipping beats when my phone blinked with a new text. i remember going into work the day after you kissed me. i remember you telling me it was a mistake.

i remember kissing you. sitting in your lap. it was almost two-am. i remember you leaning over the door, kissing me goodnight, like you didn't want to stop kissing me. i didn't want to stop kissing you. i just wish i would've never gone home.

and i still have some cute pictures of us at the eagle's on my phone. i set one as my wallpaper that night. i didn't even change it when johnathon told me what hamy said. before i asked you. i cried when you told me you couldn't date me. i still have the text saved. "i mean i'd love to get with you, but i just can't do that to my friend." what a load of shit. (sorry, but it was.)

and if you asked me yesterday how i felt about you, i'd probably use some defense mechanism about how you're an asshole and i feel like i was fucked. and make up some shit about something to hate about her. but the truth is, one, i think you're cute together. and two, this is what i get.

it was shortly after the horrible things that have overcome your life overcame your life. you know what i mean, but i'm not in the mood to be blunt. i prayed every morning for you to be happy and for your family. everyone i knew prayed for you. and i remember, i wrote my prayers on post-it notes then. i prayed for you to be happy, no matter what it took. even if it wasn't with me.

and even until a couple weeks ago, i wished for you on 11:11. eleven times.

i remember the late night drives and stupid adventures. the talks on chucks front porch. we got along so well, i just didn't get it. i thought maybe things would be better on my birthday, but then again, you thought i was a whore. i assume that was the night you met her, so by the time you came home and i explained that what you thought was wrong, it was too late.

maybe there are better things in store for me, and maybe you weren't just what i wanted. i mean, bob johnson is evidence to that. if i was really devoted to getting you i really should've stayed away from him.

i just feel like i've been jipped. and i know that i haven't. but it feels like i never got a fair chance.

well, in all truth, i do hope you're happy. i hope you're thrilled. secretly, i think sometimes i'm a negative bitch, and i'll secretly hope it fails, but i'll stop this now. this is kindof closure.

(and when i think of you in a shade of light, i think of the darkness in a car, the glow from a streetlight and a stereo. i think of the fluorescent light in corey's basement the first night we shared drinks. and i think of the cloudy days i went bike riding and texted you. i think of a lot of things. oh well.)


maybe this is too genuine for a blog. oh well.

goodnight.