now you don't even bother

to ride that commuter train,
west to chicago.
to stroll through the greenery,
in the park past the statues.

--

these are excerpts from my myspace blog over the last years, i really like the way they were written. just catching up on myself. i read one of the blogs about scott, and i forgot how all of that happened. haha.



it's october second, and why isn't october over yet.

and every time the wind blows, i think of you. and every time i listen to this song, i wonder why i'm not with you. and no, i don't miss you, but i can't seem to live my life without you.

--

there are some things you can’t fake.

(i guess that it's typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again.)

wind rustling leaves around my feet, a cape flying behind me, and you told me you loved me. swedish fish and snickers bars, this is halloween. skateboarding in a backyard, breaking your wrist. breaking my heart. it's all the same; it's all the same.

it's september and i'm thinking of you again. and no, i don't miss you, not in that way. not in the want-you-back-way. not in the going-to-start-talking-to-you-again way. but this weather is getting colder, and as the wind blows through my hair and the leaves start to turn, i am reminded of your face, and the selfish things i did.

and no, i can't call it regret, because i'm happy. i think. i'll believe.
but i can't call it completion. i can't call this closure, i never could. and i wonder if you think of me on the breezy nights, when you feel like going to coffee. i know you don't go anymore.

and whoever you're with, i hope she's good to you. i really do. better than i was.

and he says i'm a wonderful girlfriend, but i'm not. and i know this. and you know this. and the ex knows this. if i was so wonderful, how come no one i dated wants to talk to me? if i was so wonderful, why does everyone leave me?


--

that's all you get. but i like those because they are two excerpts where i truly identified myself and realized the truth. i don't even know what i meant by that, and i'm not sure why i'm awake.

--

johnny told me that i need to figure out who i am. in turn with me being a stubborn asshole, i told him that i don't care who i am and i am okay with having flaws and to fuck himself. or something to that effect. and now i realized that i fucking hate who i am. everything about myself. but i am not the type to change myself intentionally. so what now?