what.

and sometimes i can feel the air in my lungs when i inhale. it's deep and cold and clenches onto the sides and makes my chest puff out in a goofy way that feels nothing but good. this only happens when i breathe through my nose, and usually happens only immediately following a really good drink of water.

and sometimes i'm suddenly very aware of how fucking psychotic i am. sometimes i realize that i can never know everyone's story, and i can never fully understand everyone. or anyone, for that matter. everyone will have a secret they will never tell. everyone will have something to hide, or something to lie about and something that they say just to impress you, secretly fearing that the truth may come out.

sometimes people say things to you that you deny but know are all too true. and sometimes the truth is left unsaid but you know that they know it too.

sometimes reality hurts more than any of your worst nightmares. and these things are so ridiculous, and life is so surreal that it is incomprehensibly unpredictable and painful because you never know when you're going to meet someone that you are forced to let go of.

---

"what's your biggest turn on?"

he said if i could give him goosebumps, i was a winner.

"a winner?"
"yeah, not a lot of girls can do it?"

i spent the next couple hours secretly trying to. i wanted to be a winner. i barely knew him. just a couple hours before this, i had tackled him on the green carpet in the spare bedroom just to tickle him. to gauge if he actually wanted anything to do with me. i kissed his neck then, waiting for him to kiss me.

the first time, i was touching his neck. i touched his wrists, i touched his chest before he went to sleep. i felt it. he tried to say he was cold, but i called him out on it.

"so i'm a winner?"

-

i spent a night in his arms, asleep on the couch, the intro to the dvd American Beauty was looping, the scene with the plastic bag and the leaves and the piano cutting off awkwardly whenever the scene started over. my mouth tasted funny when i woke up, but it always tastes that way, dry but sticky on the roof of your mouth, your teeth feel slimy, and a cold diet pepsi feels like it would always fix this.

i woke him up to move to the bed, but ended up moving to another room. the fan sounded like demons rising up to steal us away to the hells below, but instead it was really just cold air coming in. i slept in basketball shorts and the shirt i came over in. i'm always the little spoon.

i woke up to a kiss on the lips and a dream about trix cereal. it was ten in the morning, and there was nothing around. we sat on the roof, overlooking miles of cornfields. sometimes life is so wonderful that i don't understand how anyone could be okay and ready to die.

the shingles were hot and burned through the shorts and the skin on my hands. he seemed used to it though. and sometimes all the beauty that is laid out in front of you, all of mother nature's art forms, just don't compare to how wonderful the person next to you is.

it was crazy to believe that i had only truly known him for maybe a day.

-

i sat in his lap at the kitchen table and kissed his neck and ran my fingers along his collarbones. i ran my hands down his arms and felt the prickly surface of goosebumps.

"that's two," i said.

i knew he was my type when he picked me up and put me up on the counter. the kisses just felt so natural. he let me pop the container for the cinnamon rolls, just after saying, "but that's the best part!"

-

we spent a day kissing and watching Pulp Fiction. he spent the day ignoring phone calls. my heart cracked when he looked at me.

"you know, i'm going to have to kick you out soon."

"yeah, it's cool."

-

we were sitting on the swing outside and i felt sweaty. i knew i was, but i woke up in someone else's house without deodorant. the emergency deodorant i had been keeping in my car had melted and i had thrown it away the last time i had cleaned out my car.

we went into the house, and i ran outside to get a new shirt from my car.

"sorry, i was sweaty."

"i noticed, but i decided not to say anything."

"haha, yeah, thanks."

"i'm just going to call you 'pit stains' from now on."

"i'll call you a liar. it's your word against mine."

"i'm bob motherfucking johnson, who do you think they're going to believe?"

-

we ran errands for his dad's girlfriend, i don't remember her name. we were waiting at her house for one of her clients to come in. i was standing on the stairs just inside next to the door, kissing him, and the client walked in. i felt so awkward, but i just didn't want to stop kissing him.

as the hours passed, i saw the clock hit seven and i had no idea why he hadn't 'kicked me out' yet.

some things don't have to make sense to be good.

when we walked upstairs, and he changed into pajamas, i knew i had to stay. everything felt so welcomed there. i could finish his sentences. i knew just when he wanted to kiss.

sometimes he pulled my hair a little too hard, but you take the good with the bad.

-

i woke up to a kiss and a rushed "i'm late! i have like five minutes to leave!"

he got up and started to get dressed and i just pulled him back down to the bed and kissed him. "mhm, five more minutes," i mumbled, half giving a damn if he got to work on time or not.

he just kissed me and ignored the clock. for about a minute.

he rushed up, threw on jeans and a shirt and a hat and ran downstairs.

i saw his cigarettes on the floor, and despite my distaste for this dirty, dirty habit, i grabbed them, and stood at the top of the stairs waiting for him to come get them. he ran up, two steps at a time, and grabbed them out of my hand.

he looked at me in a way that just said, "you are fucking perfect." then he kissed me in a way that made me feel like this should happen every fucking day of my life.

we ran out the door and left for our jobs. he saw me leaving and called, just to make sure i knew how to get home.

and why the fuck is he leaving in eight days?

this is no great illusion

when i'm with you, i'm lookin' for a ghost.
or invisible reasons to fall out of love,
or run screamin' from our home.


dear blog,

i know, i know. i've been bad. between spider solitaire (figured i'd get the shitty excuse out of the way first) and harry potter and the gym and interviews and job apps and spaghetti saturday and everything ever, i've been really busy.

so here is the news: first, MARK BUERHLE THREW A PERFECT GAME TODAY. this is amazing. i went to the game with mom on sunday and it was awesome. within one week, they had a perfect game. this is all me. i am amazing luck, don'tyathink?

secondly, I GOT A JOB AT BEST BUY!!! yes, i know, a tad disappointing, i was really shooting for OG, but best buy called yesterday at like six and told me i got it. drug test and paperwork tomorrow. and schoolbooks. and i called the other olivegarden and they said they'd call on friday.

pray for me, blog, okay?

rabbit fur coat and melt your heart start the same way but melt your heart starts an octave higher. i just noticed this.

other than that, i picked out a new coach. nbd, i'm not going to get it.
i picked out johnathon's birthday present. i think he'll absolutely LOVE it.

hamy and i are friends again. this is a really big deal considering we're on and off all the time. we talk and then we don't talk and then i hear he's talking shit about me, and i'm always furious.


chet told me he's leaving tomorrow. i'm very bothered by this. he said he might send me some postcards...but i don't think he knows my address? meh. i just sent it to his screenname so if he signs on before he leaves, he'll get it.

i'm excited for school to start i just wish i had more time to work and make extra money. hope i get that second job at OG.

but i'm going to read harry potter now, okay? <3

love you tons, blog.

-jes<3.

we laugh at danger

(and break all the rules)

i love against me!, howabout you blog?

this song title reminds me of the marauders. i just finished the fourth harry potter book, and i'm about to start on the fifth, and i just keep reading fanfiction about the marauders, and seeing sirius in this condition is just heartbreaking, because i just keep picturing him as some lively sex-god.

i'm so horrible.

i woke up at like 6:50 today, which is crazy because i wake up earlier on a saturday than i do on a day when i have to wake up for work. i hate work. >_<

i think i'm going to make spaghetti in a while. i'm doing laundry. i feel very adult. very sick but very adult.

someone should go on a bike ride with me today. it's a gorgeous day outside, and johnathon only went to sleep like three hours ago. i want to wake him up. and like go to six flags.


--if florida takes us, we're taking everyone down with us.--

mom wants me to go to a sox game with her tomorrow, but i don't really think i want to. i mean, i do because it's sox, and it's mom, but RAFTING.

i dunno, we'll see.

but i'm going to finish what i was doing, whatever that was. ^_^

love you, blogface.

-jes

Sometimes...

I like to go back and listen to music i was really into like four years ago. It puts me in that stupid, immature mindset where work was something i did to make a disposable income, and your grades weren't going to determine anything about your career. Where my idea of mischief was sneaking out and walking down the block to smoke a cigarette, because my parents hadn't realized i smoked yet.

i think this is the same reason that i am drawn to music from the '90s. i like to listen to old tracy chapman songs, and the bodeans, just so i can remember all those stupid nights when i was seven and we lived down the street from the awesome pizza place with the high ceilings. they had goofy floor levels and the upstairs tables were always way cooler. it was like ten feet away from the park, so when we would go when it was busy, i would just go to the park. i didn't get dizzy when you spun the tire swing as fast as you could, but i would now. and i remember rollerblading down that street, teaching my mom how. she had a helmet, and elbowpads and kneepads. i don't think i wore those anymore. but i remember watching out for gravel in the road to get caught in our tires.

i remember when we were moving out of that house. a house i spent four years living in and never saw the basement. from what rich said, it was perpetually flooded. we cleaned out the garage, and i found baby carriages and dolls, and barbies, and a mysize barbie that every mom bought their little daughters which was a really stupid idea that always ended in your daughter wearing horribly made polyester and other synthetic clothing items that were gaudy as all hell. and the fake barbie hair, at any length longer than three inches, was tangled and disheveled from the second you untwisted the twist ties to get her out of the box.

i remember that house was like three blocks away from a bar. "the station," where mom and rich always went with tommy, rich's best friend. barb worked there. she always had the best things for me on halloween. she was a packers fan, but the king size bags of m&m's made up for this massive flaw.

and i remember, allie kelly was about a foot taller than me in fourth grade. it had to be fourth grade halloween, right before we moved, and we went trick or treating, and she got a king-sized twix bar. rich took it and put it on the ledge above the door, and somehow, this nine-year old girl managed to reach it.

i was furious.

continuing, my room was pink there. with a minnie mouse wallpaper border. and minnie mouse curtains, and a bedspread, and everything on earth. i just remember my closet used to be a pantry, and had like three sections and shelves and was HUGE (and sometimes had mice that ate my clothes.) and when we moved to lansing, i begged grandma for the bedspread that was in her spare bedroom. it was blue and quilted and i was NOT a minnie mouse girl anymore. we kept the comforter and everything else in the basement, as if we would give it to someone down the road, but i think we just threw it away.

i remember when we moved into the house in glenwood. it was grandma shirley's house. the room was yellow with shitty wallpaper before rich painted it pink. the front porch had a nice dining room table in there. i always dreamed of having it when we had a nice house. someone else took it one day though. i'm pretty sure rich was pissed.

we kept the computer on the front porch too. i don't even think the internet was all that common yet. i think i played minesweeper and solitaire. and the 101 dalmatians game. and made stupid things and printed them out.

there was a spare bedroom on the left as soon as you walked in. mom ironed her clothes there. she had a vanity there. and i don't remember what else was in there, because she kept all her shoes in my closet.

i remember the dining room. i remember being told i wasn't allowed to watch tv during dinner, so watching the reflection in the fishtank instead. i remember that grandma shirley NEVER cooked and always went out. i remember that she used plastic bowls instead of real stuff so she wouldn't have to wash it. i think i saw her cook macaroni and cheese. once.

and the bathroom was unfinished. there was a really nice whirlpool tub, and a toilet and a sink. the walls weren't finished. and the floors weren't finished. i fucking hated that bathroom. but for some reason, i have a strange recollection of discovering my love for sephiroth there. don't ask.

and we never had a washer and dryer. we always went to laundromats. which is why it must have been so important to have an upstairs laundry room when we bought this house.

i don't know. i'm just rambling but i don't feel like rambling anymore.

goodnight, blog.

love,
jes.

if only we could heal ourselves

we wouldn't need to be hooked up to these machines.


dear blog,
whatsup?

i'm in the process of being tangled in a 40 chapter harry potter fan fiction that is exceptionally wonderful even considering the lack of erotic value to it.

did i just say that out loud? well kindof.

i'm discussing fey with jess ferraris. it's good to have someone that has an interest in it. and she would model it well, i think.


basically, my life is awesome. i just have to read some harry potter. i don't even remember the fifth, sixth, or seventh books.


soooo, off to do that. just had to keep you updated, babe.

love,
jes

i've got a good mind to throw it all away

dear blog,

are you sick of me yet? i am.

today i went to work, which was no different than usual. i ate a ton of cheerios. it was delicious.

i had an interview at applebee's at five thirty. i think i got the job, because she really wanted to score my assessment before i left but she couldn't. no good. :[ however, i stopped at KFC beforehand, and the girl gave me an coleslaw AND mashed potatoes because i couldn't decide which i wanted, so she gave me both. which was nice. she was super awesome. and she gave me a biscuit. sooo much food. it's good.

the weather is nice. i stopped in mcdonald's for an iced coffee, and mary was nice to me. that's good. i'm glad that people don't still hate on me.

it's all been good. i really can't complain. i just don't feel like going to the gym but i think once i go i will feel better about it. so now for that motivation....


i'll probably write to you, something in-depth, later.

love you dearly, blogface.
jes

i want specifics on the general idea.

dear blog,

i had to turn on mogwai to write to you. if i didn't, i would just keep typing lyrics that i was hearing because my smiles playlist has so many good songs.

i'm arguing theology with scott. he doesn't believe that my prayers come true. i do.

"you're just a looney. really."
"but god likes me."


last night i slept over at johnathon's. we're kindof losing touch. he always said he wanted to retain our friendship above all. but he consistently blows me off for jerahmy and everyone else. i'm not jealous, i'm just sick of getting blown off. and rescheduled. not even just by him.

but the point is, we woke up early, i couldn't sleep, and we went out for breakfast. he did that stupid thing where he jumps to conclusions about things he has no idea about. for instance, today it was "are you one of those losers that was obsessed with sudoku?" "yeah." "that shit's stupid. i don't get it."
so because you don't get it, it's stupid? i was infuriated. by the time i explained it all to him, he was trying to figure out the rest of the puzzle. i hate when he judges on no basis.

but then we walked around lockport, and walked to the state street pantry, bought some shitty bread, and fed the ducks. and i really like ducks. because a lot of things are cute, but feeding ducks is just so calm, and i never feel rushed. i just felt good. it's probably my favourite thing ever.

then i called ryan to go rafting, but he couldn't go. which i expected. but that's okay. he's got a lot going on. we haven't really talked a lot about it but he seems apprehensive to open up to me about anything. so all we've talked about has been the cubs. i want to marry ryan theriot. and have a daughter named riley so she can be riley the riot. that would be such a sweet name. i'm jealous.

went rafting today. me, sara, dave, mandy, bob, and chuck. it was a gooood time. saw bobbiesue and mary. glad to see them even if it was just for five minutes.

i went to johnathon's and we made sketties. then he went to pick up timmy, i played spider solitaire, and i left. i ate and watched the end of the cubs cardinals game. cubs lost. i think ryan's turning me into a cubs fan. this is bad news.

i really like mogwai. really.

i just felt like i had to tell you what was going on in my life today, bloggie. i'll talk to you tomorrow.


love,
jes

p.s., i have an interview at applebee's tomorrow. wish me luck!

and suddenly, well, it occured to me

that i've slept alone before you.



dear blog,
i think i'm going to talk to you every day.
i don't know if i mentioned this, but i really need to go get a prayer journal. i never thought i'd be one of those religious people, but i just find myself praying for everything. i mean, i don't believe in jesus. i don't believe anyone can save us. i think we just have to be good. and i think our souls will just flourish within the earth when we die. it's all really confusing, and sometimes i don't even know what i think about it. but that's pretty much what i have come up with.

yesterday i joined the "capitalism" group on facebook. i'm waiting for chuck to kick my ass about it. i just think it's the best thing we've got. a lot of people get screwed in every system. no one said that child labour and sweatshops MUST be a product of capitalism. i think we just need reform, but with a collective society, people are going to get screwed and put there forever. at least in a capitalist society, throw all your excuses out there that you want, but NO ONE IS TRAPPED. yes, things are going to suck, and you may have just enough money to feed your family, but there is always a way to work up, find a new job, get an education, or do whatever. want more money? knit scarves and sell them on the side. paint fences. do whatever it takes to make sure you have the money to get an education and get out of there. and for fuck's sake, the american government will probably pay for your education.

so why do people insist on making excuses.

this is my theory, and it has proven me correct so far. "people that don't like capitalism just haven't found a way to make it work for them yet." pretty much, people that want a collective society want such because it will be easier than working your way to the top. they think it's not fair that people are above them and they are not there too. if you were at the top, you wouldn't want someone who didn't work nearly as hard to be an equal to you. and this has nothing to do with race, nothing to do with gender. this is strictly fact. i'm so sick of hearing people complain about the rich society and things like that. granted, most of them are overpaid and did run us into the economic catastrophe, but if you don't like where your life is at, then work your way out of it. don't try to bring about the downfall of the people that worked up to what they are.

don't i talk like a woman who knows she's going to be successful? i hope so.

i could rant about this for hours, blog. but i just had the best ham & cheese omelette ever, with blintzes, potatoes, toast, and orange juice. all from my kitchen.

i think today might be alright. i want to go to six flags. season pass for the win.

love you tons, blog.

<3>

counting stars on the ceiling

Dear blog,

I got sick of your partner on MySpace and I don't want to write there anymore. So I made you. Okay?

Eric is home, which is good. at least for a couple more days. he doesn't really have a "home" right now, but that's understandable.

i was part of total domination last night, which was interesting. i had to read the article about the world's strongest vagina.

it's friday and i should be going to the gym soon, but meh. i have to clean the house, rich said he'd give me money, which is nice because i'm like sixty dollars short of what i need for my car payment.

rafting is sunday and i'm pumped. ryan promised he'd go but given the recent happenings ( :[ ) i don't think he's going. which is okay.

well, i really don't have a lot to say about most things. cubs are losing 8-3. white sox will hopefully win tonight, and red sox.

but, hello blog, this is my life. glad to start a new meaningful relationship with you.


love,
jes